Today we were asigned a new task which consisted of selecting an artist and examining the impact they make on their audience and community in a creative way. (interview or memoir)- i chose to write a memoir about Kurt cobain.
MEMOIR:
KURT COBAIN , ME, MYSELF AND I
If my title doesn't already piss you off, don't you worry I'll try my best to get that blood pressure on high.
Oh and by the way, I'm dead so your hate will just stay trapped inside of you, oblivious of me.
Looking back at my short life and the experiences I've had, I can honestly say I'm glad I pulled the trigger.
Why? because im a disturbed heroin addict, duuuh-isnt that what the youth says these days? I mean , look at my picture up there.
Pretty accurate description and good fuel for biased journalists as you can see.
Some pretty lame vocabulary they've got up their sleeves, is all I've got for this one. I might've been some part of that pathetic description, but honestly here, I haven't ever heard of someone completely mentally unstable, that sold all his albums and earned more money in a few days, than most of you ever will. So think again before you read those try-hard magazines, like Rolling Stones and the sort.
But then again I promised myself to stop judging people didn't I ? That was the one thing I've learned from life, apparently. I even remember saying that in some interview back then, pretending to be all genuine and interested. Though I was..seriously. It went something along the lines of :"All my life, I never believed most things I read in history books and a lot of things I learned in school. But now I've found I don't have the right to make a judgement on someone based on something I've read. I don't have the right to judge anything. That's the lesson I've learned."
KURT COBAIN , ME, MYSELF AND I
If my title doesn't already piss you off, don't you worry I'll try my best to get that blood pressure on high.
Oh and by the way, I'm dead so your hate will just stay trapped inside of you, oblivious of me.
Looking back at my short life and the experiences I've had, I can honestly say I'm glad I pulled the trigger.
Why? because im a disturbed heroin addict, duuuh-isnt that what the youth says these days? I mean , look at my picture up there.
Pretty accurate description and good fuel for biased journalists as you can see.
Some pretty lame vocabulary they've got up their sleeves, is all I've got for this one. I might've been some part of that pathetic description, but honestly here, I haven't ever heard of someone completely mentally unstable, that sold all his albums and earned more money in a few days, than most of you ever will. So think again before you read those try-hard magazines, like Rolling Stones and the sort.
But then again I promised myself to stop judging people didn't I ? That was the one thing I've learned from life, apparently. I even remember saying that in some interview back then, pretending to be all genuine and interested. Though I was..seriously. It went something along the lines of :"All my life, I never believed most things I read in history books and a lot of things I learned in school. But now I've found I don't have the right to make a judgement on someone based on something I've read. I don't have the right to judge anything. That's the lesson I've learned."
Damn right, I still stand for that killer statement. I hope it's pasted all over the internet, for all it's good these days.
Although I'm guessing that, as an artist, I'm long forgotten.
I have some sort of understanding for the nature of discriminating others because you feel really insecure about yourself, and how the media exemplifies that. It really is a subconscious process most of the time that gives the illusion of perfection about ourself.
I've always loved complaining and being a hypocrite more than expensive things that others enjoy.
I admit it was a bad habit, but doesn't everyone have a few? Most stay concealed, mine were public..I just couldn't help myself. After all it wasn't me who ran after the press to tell them every bit of my lifestory, it was quite the contrary actually, but that's how they work. They'll ask you to reveal yourself, STRIP off those layers till you're left with you, and only you.
You'll be defenseless and nude, and if you try to stay discreet, they'll pretend like they're some openminded folk ; next thing you know the magazines are stuffed to the rim with you being called obscenities even your best friend wouldn't forgive you. They'd make up random theories based on practically nothing and affected my family and I badly. Thats how screwed up they were.
When my band and I aired our first album "Bleach" in 1989, having formed the band in 1986, I was pretty estatic about it, about the fact that I somehow made it to the top, and all my bullies would soon stand in lines to buy my tickets. Actually the last bit highly irritates me, though it carries some evil delight in itself, having them force themselves to buy from the "faggot". I just couldn't stand the thought of singing about my bullies , while they stood there , cheering me on. What a waste. And exactly who did they think I was, to accept their dirty money? Their false pride for me? what a god damn waste of tickets that could've been used for some genuine fans.
Something that caught my attention along the shaky intertwined ride of bliss and depression, was the amount of people that could relate to me, that actually enjoyed my music and spent time trying to figure out the meaning behind my lyrics. I have to admit, I did have a variety of very complex and strange array of words that I myself had a hard time figuring out. Most of the time those words would just spew out of me and I'd write them down, feeling obligated to do so and incorporate them into my songs. I'd be content with knowing that everyone has their own interpretation of those lyrics, connected with their own experiences and feelings. Id always forget that being famous means everything you say will be turned over and over again , just like a dice, to analyze it right down to the core. I wasnt used to people taking what I say serious, so I was forced to chose my words carefully.
I honestly hope that I awakened some emotion in the hearts of my fans, for I DID appreciate their love towards me.
I really did.
I just couldn't take all the intensified attention that was focused on me, just like those magnifying glasses scientists use to inspect insects before they rip their limbs off, one by one.. Note the similarity?
You see , I'm more of a secluded night club with wine and unnamed bands trying their best , person. The expected feeling of exhileration that comes from performing amongst thousands never saught me out. And maybe that's where all the hatred came from the audience.
Try to understand what it made me feel. Anything but comfortable.
I know that many young fans would hear my songs for the first time, such as "Come as you are" and eventhough they could not decipher those lyrics, they still spoke to them, clicking into their minds and enchanting them with the serious tilt of my voice and word choice that was added to the lightness of the songs atmosphere. It is meant to deceive and enhance how certain situations can leave you stranded, alone and forgotten.
I honestly did not expect even a sliver of the success we, Nirvana, had. In fact that's never really what I aimed for. And without meaning to, I ignited a fire, that burned deep into the roots of rock n' roll, of pop music and the worlds perception of Punk Rock. Suddenly the clothes I'd been bullied for wearing were being sold at the most exclusive shops, with unbelievable prices.
My desire to inflict openmindedness amongst my fans inflicted mixed responses which made me very agressive towards them, inspiring me to perform 'offensive" public stunts that would go against homophobia, sexism and racism. Those three topics were the key aspects to keeping my career, in order to spread the message of freeing the socially oppressed.
i had a lot of people who'd go to my concerts but they were all those three terrible qualities and i felt personally offended that they would attend my concert but not agree with what i believe in, what shapes my music, my career and purpose of sharing it. I'd even call them out and make it public that i do not welcome people that beat women, go against homosexual beliefs or feel above other races. What a dreadful disgusting aspect to have as a person.
Back when I was younger, Mum and Dad decided to split up and juggle me back and forth, like some regretful mistake they were trying to avoid. I realize now that, all the hatred I've experienced as a child has backfired and turned me into who I am , till the day I decided I'd lived enough. Those kind of memories stay with you for quite a long time, and after not feeling at home, speaking symbolically here, for years and endless years, I never really did acquire a home. Now, ofcourse I had Courtney, my love. And Frances, my second love. I had such love for them, I didn't want them to bear the worst of me, all my negativity spreading like a deadly disease, finely tuned to attack their wekaest spots ; the heart, so vulnerable.
However much you try to twist and turn this one, a heart can only take so much, and mine was long ago filled up to the rim and I needed to end it, before it burst into a thousand sharp pieces of hurt, dissappointment, rejection, betrayal and abusement, and piercing the ones closest to me, right in the heart. No one needs that, and I didn't want to be the one to inflict that on them. Although this may sound hypocritical , if you think about it, it's better to burn out than fade away. the pain would multiply by a thousand fold. Sound familiar? I wonder how many people read that note, and what they felt through it. Did they understand?
Dont forget the love that was drowning under all the oppressors. My love got heavier by the day, running out of air ; my love was suffocating me and those around me, and I decided to be the one to end it. To end me.
